So Long, Farewell
by dreaminginthelight
Summary: Even in his darkest moments he had never explored the idea, but anger is the devil's doorway, and once he's in the door, the devil does as he pleases. Yup it's another one of those post 47 seconds fallout pieces. Spoilers for anything after ep19 really.
1. Chapter 1

**Kay so I know there are a LOT of these fics about, but please just bear with me because I know where I'm going with it, it's angst eventually leading to fluff, dunno how long depends whether people like it really****. So I hope you do :)**

**Disclaimer: A girl can dream right?**

Even in his darkest moments he had never explored the idea, but anger is the devil's doorway, and once he's in the door, the devil does as he pleases.

…

Betrayal, betrayal was what he felt above all else, and it cut right through his heart and into his soul. How could she do this? How could she lie? And no number of perky blondes in too-tight dresses had managed to take his mind away from the shattering inside his chest. He hadn't really been able to do anything with them anyway- kisses felt too forced, caresses too cold. Nothing, he had nothing with them compared to the natural intimacy he felt when he was with her.

The traitor.

He couldn't say her name, couldn't even think it. It was easier to call her traitor, jezebel, heart breaker. It was just easier that way, and oh, how he needed his life to become a little easier again.

It had been three weeks, almost to the day, since he found out. Three weeks his heart had been falling apart in his chest, three weeks he'd been trying to hide it, three weeks he'd been living like he used to. Three weeks too many, but three weeks it took for him to finally snap.

Castle sat staring at his laptop screen, reading and rereading what he'd written over and over. It felt wrong on so many levels, no matter how angry he was with her, he just wasn't sure he could do this. There was a part of him which liked it. Liked the way it had felt to write it, liked the way it had eased the pain in his heart a little, liked the thought of finally getting back at her. But at the same time, no matter how much he might deny it, he still loved her and he knew that he would hurt her. Badly.

But as he sat there downing yet another glass of bitter-tasting liquid, unsure even of what particular beverage he was ruining his liver with now, he felt anger flare up within him again. Anger so strong that it consumed him, overwhelmed him, pushed him over the edge into a person he didn't even know he was capable of being. The devil rose up within him and took him over. Made him make a choice he never would have made before she broke him, made him make a choice that would break her too, a choice which was only a phone call away.

'Gina?' he asked as his ex-wife answered her cell 'You want that final manuscript?'

**Yeah it's short I know, next chap will be up soon and we'll be going over to Kate POV. Lemme know what you think :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Did you see The Limey? Yeah I wouldn't have done that to myself if I had any power whatsoever**

No. No. _No_. She wasn't quite sure what she'd just read. Maybe she'd just had a bad dream. A nightmare. Maybe she'd just drunk too much wine, _way _too much wine. She let her eyes roam over the last page of _Frozen Heat_ another time as shock finally gave way to sorrow and tears began to leak down her cheeks.

He couldn't have. Could he? Richard Castle, _her _Richard Castle the man she loved, simply could not have written those words. There had to be some kind of mistake, he'd probably come knocking at her door in a matter of minutes to explain that there'd been some huge mix-up, that this was all some big misunderstanding on the part of his publisher's. _

She waited maybe half an hour, unmoving, tears running silently down her cheeks, until she finally realised that he wasn't coming, that this wasn't a dream, that he'd really done this to her. Anger flared up within her and she threw the book across the room, followed by several items from her coffee table. She wanted to get those words out of her mind, to go back in time and stop herself from reading them, to stop him from _writing_ them in the first place. She knew he'd been mad at her, she didn't know why, but it had been painfully obvious. He'd acted out for a while-dating blonde bimbos and getting himself knocked around with the gang unit-but after a few weeks he'd calmed down again and come back to her. Granted he hadn't been the same, not exactly, but he'd been _there_. He'd built theory with her, stayed late on the tough ones, a few weeks ago he'd even started buying her coffee again. He'd seemed like he was on his way to forgiving her for whatever it was she'd done to upset him, she'd almost hoped that maybe they were headed to finally being together. He'd waited for her so she'd been waiting for him, not trying to pry open whatever wound had set them so far back, just being there, figuring that all he needed was time.

She'd clearly been wrong. Whatever it was that had brought him back, kept him there through the late nights and the early mornings, it clearly had not been her. Maybe he didn't want to lose Ryan and Esposito as friends, maybe he wanted to make sure that Alexis could carry on her internship, maybe he just did have a morbid curiosity with death, but whatever it was it couldn't be love for her. She knew that know. Knew that something happened that didn't just make Castle stop loving her, it made him hate her, and that _hurt_.

She looked over at the book, now lying open and bent on the floor, and felt fresh tears welling up. He'd killed her. He'd actually killed her. The words floated through her mind again and she couldn't stop them:

_Nikki gasped as the knife entered her body again, whatever fight she'd had drained out of her as she slumped to the ground, pressing her hands to her ragged, bleeding flesh._

'_Die like your mother, whore,' the faceless man spat at her as he drove the knife in one final, fatal time before striding out of the dark alley and leaving her to the mercy of the cold winter air. She struggled to reach for her phone, to hear his voice even if for the last time, but then she remembered what had happened. Remembered how she'd alienated herself from everyone that loved her, how now there was no one left who would come to her aid, no one who would care if she bled out in alley. Not even Jameson Rook._

Kate shook her head, desperate to make those words leave her, because if they didn't she was sure she'd go insane. Nikki Heat's mother hadn't died in an alley, she'd died in their kitchen, but her mother had. He hadn't written this so it was traumatizing for his character, he'd written it to be traumatizing for her, and as the connotations of that realization hit, a fresh wave of angry tears spilled over. How could he possibly have done that? No matter how much he hated her, she honestly didn't think he was capable of something so cruel. Maybe she just hadn't known him at all. Suddenly she wondered if his whole nice guy demeanour was just an act, that perhaps she'd loved a man who never really existed, and she shuddered at the thought. She wanted to confront him, to ask him why and shout at him no matter what answer he gave, but somehow she didn't think that would help. Besides, they were beyond help now, way beyond help. She thought that she'd had him back, but she was wrong, she lost him a long time ago and she would never have him back. Anger wouldn't help, neither would fighting, nor shouting. The only thing she could do was sit alone and cry until she had no tears left. Cry because her mother was dead, cry because she missed her, cry because there was a four book series that exposed her wounds for anyone one to poke at, cry because the man she couldn't help loving had written those books and cry because he'd written them because he hated her.

**Next chap on it's way, feel free to share your thoughts. Bear in mind that this is my first story and I have no beta**


	3. Chapter 3

**Kay so if you're all thinking what the reviews are saying then you think I've doomed their relationship and that Castle was too cruel. But I do know where I'm going with this and you might think it's kinda OOC but it's just my take on what could happen. Love makes people crazy. Also this chap will explain things on Castle's side. Yeah I'm just gonna shut up now, read it if you want, I'm not making you, I said this was gonna be angsty. I personally enjoy writing angst, hopefully some of you will enjoy reading it :)**

**Disclaimer: Nope**

Had he written that? Really? He couldn't really remember exactly. He knew that he'd killed off Nikki, but he'd killed off Derek too so that didn't seem like such a big deal. He knew he'd been drunk when he wrote it, he remembered that Gina had tried repeatedly to talk him out of it, he even remembered that he'd threatened to take his business elsewhere unless they just published the damn thing and stopped bothering him about it. He did _not_ remember making it that bad.

He'd been angry at the time, hell, a part of him was still angry, and he'd wanted to hurt her that much was certain. But this? This was too much, how could he expect her to forgive him for this? He dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone, angrily dialling his publisher

'Gina?' he asked when she picked up

'You read it, huh?'

'Yes, I read it. Would you mind explaining to me exactly what possessed you to publish that?' he fumed at her

'You,' she replied

'Me?'

'You wrote it, Rick. We just published it,'

'But how could you publish that? Why didn't you run it by me?' He was sure he was in some kind of nightmare; Gina always went through his books with him piece by piece, over and over, making sure everything was perfect. This was her fault.

'I did. Rick, I tried to talk you out of it but you were fuming,'

'I was drunk!' he shouted

'Not the next day you weren't,' she replied tiredly.

What? 'What?'

'Look when you sent me that final manuscript I tried to talk you out of publishing it, but you were adamant. I told you you'd regret it, I told you that by the time the book came out you'd feel differently but you wouldn't give in. You told me to publish that and not to say one more word about it until the book was released, and that if I did, not only would you sue the company but you would sue me, personally, for every penny I was worth,'

'I said that?'

'Yes, Rick,' she sighed 'Why did you think we hadn't been going over it together? You said that that was the final version and that you refused to write another one so if we didn't publish it then that would be that,' she was right. He remembered now, the morning after he'd gone down to the office and told them that he wasn't joking. That he wanted nothing more to do with those goddamn books and that whatever it was he had sent them they could damn well publish it or simply go to hell. He couldn't even blame that on alcohol since he had been relatively sober then, granted he hadn't remembered what he wrote, just that he'd killed off Nikki, but that felt like the closure he needed. He'd needed to move on, and knowing that those books were done with had helped. He knew he could have asked to see it again, but if he was honest with himself he just hadn't wanted to, and since no one said anything about the book again it had been easy to just let it go and move on.

Only he hadn't moved on the way he'd planned. Maybe this would be easier if he had, if he'd just killed of Nikki and never set foot in the Twelfth again, but he'd had to say goodbye at least, and goodbye had been just too hard. Saying goodbye to fictional Beckett was fine, it was the real live woman that he knew and still couldn't stop loving that made his farewell stick in his throat. He'd already said goodbye to the boys so that as soon as he told her he could go and never look back, but when he found her in the break room, make up slightly smudged around red-rimmed eyes, he knew that he just couldn't do it. He still didn't know why she'd been crying that day, she never admitted to the fact that she even had been, but seeing her vulnerable cut at him in its own special way, and the anger he felt at her managed to subside for a little while.

After that it had started getting better. Yes, he'd still been angry at her, but she never pushed him in any way after that, and he found that he could almost deal with just being her friend. He'd even started bringing her coffee again, and the smile that met each one made him think that maybe, just maybe, he could wear her down. So she didn't love him too, maybe he could change that-he knew that _his_ feelings weren't changing.

'Rick?' Gina prompted him from down the phone

'I-' he didn't know what to say. What he'd done was inexcusable, because he knew, he _knew_ he should have checked that manuscript. But he'd been selfish, he'd poured all his anger out into his work and now, when things were finally working again, he hadn't wanted to revisit the way he'd felt that night, hadn't wanted to stir up the memory. So instead he just went by what he'd said, making that the final, finished piece and not looking at it again until it was published. Published. For anyone, _everyone_ to read. What was he going to do? He was sure that Kate must have read it by now, in fact he almost expected her to call and scream at him any minute, and he didn't know what he could possibly do to make it better. She wouldn't want anything to do with him again, that was for sure, no matter how much he thought he might have worn her down.

'I...I have to go, Gina,' he hung up before she could say anything else

He decided that the only thing for it was to go and see her himself, he owed her that at the very least, even though he knew that it was going to break his heart all over again.

**There so that's what happened with him, I know it's not necessarily completely realistic, but call it poetic license :) Thoughts?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Kay so I realised that I haven't thanked everyone for all the favourites/alerts, so thank you so much :) it means a lot to me**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

Castle's stomach was doing flips as he knocked on her door, dreading what was coming, but there was no answer. He waited a few minutes and tried again, then again. Nothing. He sunk down to the floor, his back pressed against the wall and let his head fall into his hands. A part of him thought that she knew it would be him at the door and wasn't even bothering to answer, another part told him that maybe she was out drowning her sorrows. Wherever she was, he was sure she wouldn't be in a good state and he couldn't stop the worry from gnawing at his insides.

He sat for half an hour outside her door until, finally, he heard the elevator doors open and looked up to see her stepping out. His heart sunk at the sight of her; her body soaked through with the autumn rain, her hair falling in wet clumps around her shoulders, her make up running from a mix of water and tears and her pain-filled eyes puffy and red-rimmed. He hated himself, hated that he'd done this to her. None of the pain she had ever caused him would justify this, and what pained him the most was that she looked so broken he couldn't even begin to imagine how he could fix her after this.

She stopped dead when she saw him, and he couldn't work out quite what the emotions were that were swimming in her shining eyes but he knew that he would have to face them whatever they were. He pushed himself of the floor, ignoring the pain caused from sitting still for so long, and turned towards her to face the music.

…

She wasn't really sure how she was feeling anymore. Once she'd cried herself out and the aching sorrow had begun to subside a little it was raging anger that had taken her and driven her over to Castle's loft. She'd hammered on the door again and again to no avail until she'd finally given up and stormed out, not even sure where she was going to go. Eventually she'd ended up in the cemetery, standing over her mother's grave while the rain soaked her through to the bone. She thought that talking to her mother might've helped clear her mind, but it had only deepened her confusion so she'd turned around and gone home again.

She stepped out of the elevator shivering, her wet clothes finally registering in her mind, but as her eyes travelled to her door she stopped dead in her tracks. He was here, outside her apartment, probably to gloat over his handiwork. Couldn't he just leave her in peace, let it be enough to know how this had broken her? Did he really have to see it in person?

She tipped her head down and avoided his gaze, walking straight past him to the door and shoving her key into the lock.

'Kate?' his voice was strangely quiet, apologetic even, _nervous_. But that didn't change anything. She didn't want to talk him, ever, preferably. He didn't deserve her attention.

'Kate?' he asked again in that voice that normally would have made her melt, 'Kate, please,' no. No. No. She was not going to talk to him. The door was open now and she would just shut it in his face like he deserved.

'Kate, I know you hate me,' well done, Einstein. She was inside but as she went to shut the door he threw himself in front of the frame 'Kate, please, I know you don't wanna talk to me. I get it, I do. But you have to let me explain, and I'm not leaving until you do,'

She was torn. She didn't want to listen to his stupid excuses, didn't even want to look at him, but maybe if she just let him get it out of his system he'd leave her alone. Not that she even really wanted that. She didn't want him to leave her and never come back, what she really wanted was the old him back. She wanted the man that she'd fallen in love with, that had brought her coffee regularly like a morning kiss, and picked her up before _she_ even knew she was down. But he was gone, if he'd ever even really been there in the first place. Kate sighed, brushing a hand over her dripping wet face and then opened the door a fraction.

As soon as he was in he turned to her, his face desperate, and grabbed her arms, forcing her to face him 'Kate look at me, look at me, please,' he begged, oh God he was begging. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so _so_ sorry. Really, I swear I am. I know it doesn't change anything, and that it doesn't make it better, but I need you to know. I need you to know that I hate myself, I will never stop hating myself for this,' what? Now she was confused. If he hated her, why was he apologising? Was this some ploy of his to make sure that her heart wasn't only broken but irreparable? Could he really be that cruel? She chanced a look into his blue eyes and her heart twisted. There was no hate in them, no anger, no nothing except desperation 'Kate? Please say something. Just tell me what you're thinking, what you want me to do-I swear I'll do anything. Really,'

'Castle…' she pulled herself out of his grasp and backed away 'Just…go,' her heart wasn't in it, but she needed him to go, because she couldn't forgive him and seeing him just made the betrayal sting all the more.

'No…no, Kate, I need to explain everything to you. Please, I just need you to know the truth. I'm not expecting you to forgive me, not even a little bit, but I do need you to listen to me,'

'Castle I don't want to listen to what you have to say,' she turned so that her back was to him so that he wouldn't see the treacherous tears leaking out of her eyes. Dammit, she really thought she'd finished with the crying. He wasn't worth it.

'Kate,'

'Castle, just go!' she shouted at him and pulled her door open again. He looked at her, pleading, but she dropped her gaze and turned her head away again

'Please, Kate. I know you hate me but I don't care, I just don't care. I need to explain it to you,'

'Explain what, Castle?' she snapped at him. She hadn't meant to lose her cool but she could feel herself losing it again, and she needed him out. _Now_. 'Explain how I hurt your feelings? How instead of talking about it with me you did everything you possibly could to hurt me back? How when that didn't seem to work well enough you did something you knew would break me beyond repair? How you betrayed my trust? How you _hate _me?' her voice rose as she threw the questions at him so that by the end she was almost screaming at him, and she was surprised by how good it felt.

'Hate you?' he looked incredulous 'God, Kate, I don't hate you. No matter how angry I get with you I have _never _hated you. I don't think I even know _how_ to hate you, and believe me I've tried,'

'Oh you've tried to hate me? Wow, that really makes me believe that you don't,'

'Kate I don't hate you! I swear,' he was right up close to her again, only this time she was backed against a wall and she couldn't escape him 'I know you hate me and I'm not asking you not to. But I need you to know that that…that…the book, that was a mistake that I made when I was hurting, and heartbroken…and part of it happened when I was drunk even though I know that's no excuse. I couldn't even remember exactly what I'd written because I just wanted those books to be over with so that I could leave because being there with you was just too painful,'

'Wait I'm sorry…you didn't _remember_ what you'd written? And what the hell do you mean too painful?'

'Well, I mean I knew that you remembered and it hurt enough to know that you didn't feel the same, but the fact that you were too cowardly to even come clean, god Kate that hurt more than you can even imagine. I mean why did you think I started dating again? I was heartbroken, Kate,'

'What?' What was he even talking about? Why was he doing this to her?

'Look, forget it I know you're not gonna forgive me, but I swear that's the truth. You broke my heart so I retaliated by doing something stupid, I'm not excusing myself but that's just what happened, you don't have to like it, you just needed to know it, and I'm sorry,' he pulled her to him and planted a kiss on her head and then without another word he was gone, leaving her standing frozen from the overload of information she'd just received.

**Please tell me if you liked it, it would mean a lot, and if you're worried that she's just gonna forgive him-she's not, I promise  
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